|
Today is the day I officially turn the page. I signed the Judgment of Consent that will make me a divorced woman. Last night, I dutifully updated Angel so he would not worry. As he has done all through this, he cautioned me in a very fatherly and serious way not to date too soon or get into a bad relationship. It was then I decided to write to him about "Fear Caller." That message appears below.
As typically happens to me in my life, this important day's events had one last gift to contribute to my healing. On Mothers Day at the Stockbridge Baptist Church, I'd slowly reentered through the church doors I'd avoided for a few weeks as I "burrowed" here at The Farm, licking my wounds from the pain of losing a relationship I'd shared for almost 40 years. Marilyn begged me to take her to our church on Mothers Day! How could I refuse?
A smiling greeter handed me a most beautiful pink carnation, a book, a sample of Mary Kay hand lotion contributed by a church lady, and a chintz bag will with dark chocolate mints! Immediately, I was so glad I had ventured out even when I felt I couldn't. Tonight, I finished that book, "First Insight" the early inspirational writings of Sue Monk Kidd [Guideposts]. I'd read chapters since receiving it, taking it in slowly as an evening's bedtime story.
This night's chapter was "Severe Grace." And this is what I want you to remember from my sharing all this with you. It opens like this:
"God calls us throughout our life to severe grace, the grace of the cocoon. We are called to separate from the old, to die in order to be born. If we open ourselves to this severe grace, we encounter God in new places: in the cyclone, in the dark, in the crisis that shatters our old confining consciousness. It is this severity that makes us new."
Thank you, each and every one of you, who have in one way or another contributed to my making it through to "new." I don't know what that is just yet, but everyone copied here had some small or large part to play in that, even if you did not know about it. You shared time with me, secrets, hopes, good advice, tears, and more importantly you shared of yourselves and YOUR talents. For that I am eternally grateful. xoxoxoxoxoxox! Sharon
Don't worry. I am not dating. I am relishing the quiet and reflection. You sound fatherly . . . :)
Something strange happened to me last night and carried into this afternoon. One of my totem animals is the rabbit, named "Fear Caller" in Native American lore. After painting the deck last night, I began watering the sprouts all around before going inside. I heard what sounded like a car running over a white plastic bag but thought nothing more of it. As I moved out to the lavender patch by the road to water, I found the "plastic bag" -- one of the tame wild rabbits lay beside the flower bed, still warm, unbleeding, but very dead.
My heart sank. I love the animals here on the place, particularly the wild rabbits and their young this time of year. All winter long, I watched 2 rabbits scurrying about or running from the headlights when we'd pull in at night. They lived in the shed by the house when not in the immense pines all around the house. I feared this dead fellow was one of them. I picked him/her up and carried her to the porch to show the puppies. They are always thrilled when they see anything out back in the fields during our walk - a flock of turkeys, quail, rabbits, or even deer like we saw on this evening's walk. They were mesmerized by this rabbit! as they had never gotten this close before, being that they are only puppies!
Cody, our old yellow Lab, has seen them many times, and in fact, he will pick up a found baby and gently carry it to me in his mouth! Has done it almost every spring for 11 years! He found another one this year a couple of weeks ago -- we nursed it back to health and released it just last week, a wee thing. I think many of the shed-dwelling rabbits each year could be some of the ones we caught and released. But who knows?
It was getting dark; so I carried "Fear Caller" to the phlox patch under the dogwood trees for the time being and laid her there. As I was driving to the lawyer's this morning, I thought again about my totem animal "inside me," according to the medicine cards - "Fear Caller." I remembered how the Cherokee woman who had read my cards told me to think about it whenever I come into close contact with my animal totems in real life, as they had a lesson for me.
I wondered about the dead rabbit. What lesson would the dead "Fear Caller" have for me? I made a mental note to go back home and read my medicine cards book to revisit the lessons of "Fear Caller." When I got back from what seemed a successful morning with John, I got the distinct notion as I pulled into the garage that the lesson of the dead rabbit was that my fears were dying with the marriage. Maybe ALL of them. So I went to the house, changed my clothes, then went out and buried "Fear Caller" under those dogwoods, and set 2 stones on top of the shallow grave.
More than anything, it was symbolic. Where last night, its body had been warm and limp - almost looking like it was asleep, but, by mid-day today, she had turned stiff and very out of this world. Kind of like my marriage. Today marked the exact day I would sign away my marriage and turn the page. It seemed fitting that I should also bury "Fear Caller" along with that spiritual death of something I thought would always be alive and meaningful.
The last couple of years have been hard. The last six months have been nearly void of any happiness. I opened the animal medicine book tonight while reading before bed. Here is the lesson "Fear Caller" died telling me:
"There is always a way out of any situation, because the Universal Force does move on. It is the way in which you handle problems that allows you to succeed. Take a hint from Rabbit. Burrow into a safe space to nurture yourself and release your fears until it is time again to move into the pasture, clear of prowlers who want a piece of your juicy energy."
I really must read your totem animals when I come this year! xxxooo! Sharon
|
